The Washington Gadfly
Bedtime For Chimpstein National Zoo Ground Zero For Culture Wars

By Won Ju Goldstein New York Times

Louis E. Chimpstein, a Simean-American who not long ago was just one of many stuffed chimps aligned along the window sill of journalist Evan Gahr, is suddenly the focal point of a vituperative intercine battle among conservatives over a controversial outburst by Paul Weyrich.

At a recent gathering of Jewish conservatives to fine tune their new slogan on gay rights, "We have nothing against homosexuals. We just don't want them to have special rights--like breathing," Weyrich squirmed about uncomfortably as Mona Charen, author of "The Wit and Wisdom of Mona Charen," a decidedly thin volume, finished her speech entitled "Is Evan gay."

The crowd was silent as Charen reached her stunning conclusion, "Yes, friends he does swing from the other side of the tree."

No sooner had Charen rushed off stage to hop on her broomstick to make another engagement, Weyrich without warning passed wind, particularly noxious wind.

Key members of the Jewish Right gagged even as they pretended not to smell anything. Finally, Evan Gahr yelled out "Something here stinks and it's not the next course."

The next day the Washington Post quoted him calling Weyrich a demented anti-Socialite.

Mr. Weyrich's defenders insist that his detractor was wrong to call him a demented anti-socialite based on one fart. But Mr. Gahr counters that the refusal of Jewish conservatives to even acknowledge the flatulence let alone conceed it is quite foul-smelling is testament to the hear no evil see no evil, smell no evil ethos they adhere to regarding their friends on the religious right.

To prove his point, Mr. Gahr recently confronted Bill Kristol outside the offices of the Weekly Double Standard and demanded, "Did Weyrich's fart stink? Did Weyrich's fart stink?"

Kristol remained silent.

Moreover, Mr. Gahr contends that to fart in the presence of Jews expressly contravenes Vatican 2, which absolved Jews of collective guilt for stinking up the last supper.

Just 10 days after he called Mr. Weyrich a demented anti-Socialite, Mr. Gahr was dismissed by the Hudson Institute. And suddenly Mr. Chimpstein is the 900 pound gorilla in the conservative living room.

Hudson officials ignored repeated requests for comment regarding Mr. Gahr. The lawyer for Hudson, J. Robert Brame, a longtime official of a Christian group that favors capital punishment for homosexuals caught in the act, was also unavailable. Explained his secretary, "Bob's out hunting homos. He'll call you in between stonings."

Still, in the months immediately after his dismissal, Hudson angrily denied that Mr. Gahr was dismissed for what he sardonically calls thought crimes against humanity.

Mr. Gahr contends that his comment to the Washington Post about Mr. Weyrich openly violated the implicit speech code among Jewish conservatives. It marked the first time, he says, that a Jewish conservative had ever called someone on the Christian Right an anti-Socialite.

Scholars concur. Richard John Neuhaus, Pope Pius Professor of History at Georgetown University, says nobody on the Jewish right had called anything their Christian friends say odoriferous.

David Horowitz, however, editor of the web publication, Front Cage for knuckle-scraping reactionary, says the contention that Hudson had trampled on Mr. Gahr's free speech is mere left-wing chicanery peddled by such notorious left-wing hacks as Nat Hentoff and the whining Jew liberal Stanley Crouch.

In comments to the Washington Jewish Week the Jewish conservative cadre insisted he was fired for using a stuffed Simean-American in a television debate with David Horowitz on Hannity and Colmes.

CONTROVERSIAL CHIMP

Conservatives, when not busy saying Mr. Gahr's fellow homosexual David Brock has a credibility problem, sided with the Hudson chimp defense.

Outside the Jewish conservative ghetto however, the argument proved problematic, prompting bitter charges of homophobia, anti-Simeanism and even gorilla warfare.

Employment lawyers say the explanation defies credulity. Gay rights organizations contend that Mona Charen's inquiry why Mr. Gahr was so entranced by a furry creature who walks a little bit bent over and always wants a banana in his mouth was redolent of the worst kind of homophobia and anti-Simeanism.

HE DID WHAT? EVEN THE MAFIA DOESN'T DO THAT.

In what friends say was a particularly harrowing episode, one of Mr. Gahr's former colleagues at the Hudson Institute, Michael Horowitz, a formidable Washington presence even though he speaks barely above a whisper and scrupulously eschews the profanity-laced talk that is common behind closed doors, recently called a New York physician long close to Mr. Gahr. In the course of a roughly 20 minute rant, Horowitz implied that Mr. Gahr was dismissed because he had taken a long jump off the deep end, hand in paw with Louis E. Chimpstein.

According to a transcript of the conversation distributed by Mr. Gahr's publicist, Liberace, the key exchanges went as follows:

Mr. Horowitz: Do you know what Evan did. Do you know what Evan did. Physician long close to Mr. Gahr: What? What did he do? Mr. Horowitz: He used a stuffed chimp in a television debate Family Physician: Yeah, I know. Mr. Horowitz: Did you see the debate? Family Physician: Yeah Mr. Horowitz: What did you think? Gahr family doctor: I thought it was funny Mr. Horowitz: Did you see the whole debate? Gahr family doctor: Yeah.

"Mr. Gahr, now an official of the Grasshut Democratcs, also couldn not be reached for comment. His office voice mail explained that he was in Massachusetts preparing, per Rick Santorum's worst nightmare, for his upcoming marriage to Rick Santorum's dog.

Rabbi Barry Freundel, spiritual leader of Temple Palestine, is expected to officiate.

THE INNER CHIMP

Still, unbeknownst to his former comrades on the Jewish Right, who continue to defend Mr. Weyrich for the outburst he has long since renounced, Mr. Gahr, who writes and acts on the phone like a pit bull but underneath is really a sweet little baby chimp, has forged a remarkable friendship with Mr. Weyrich. The bonds formed even before Mr. Weyrich accepted Mr. Gahr's invitation to visit the company museum of Lysol founder Jew Jewstein.

He recently told JewishHomosexualWorldReview.com that "One of my best friends was a demented anti-Socialite. Now, we're such pals that I've even been to his house. I saw that Paul is actually very sensitive to Jewish concerns. He kept asking if I was thirsty and said Dawn's newborn baby was downstairs in case I wanted to drink her blood."

   Evan Gahr EvanGahr@aol.com, a former press critic for the late New York Post editorial page editor Eric Breindel, recently broke the story of a race discrimination lawsuit against the Washington Post. He has written for almost every major conservative publication.