Oy Vey, Oy Vey
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By Lawrence F. Kaplan
The Jew Republic
Hymietown -- Alliance for Marriage president Matt Daniels wanted an advisory board that looked like America.
Instead, he got one that looks a little bit like Guantanamo Bay.
Daniels, who assembled the most impressive coalition since the Popular Front, earlier this year announced that the two representatives from ISNA, Sayid Sayid and Steve Schwartz, had resigned from his advisory board after JewishHomosexualWorldView.com, seizing on the country's endemic anti-Muslim bias noted that ISNA was among the Muslim groups under investigation on trumped charges of crimes against humanity.
But at recent press conference, Daniels rebounded with his surprise announcement that had a controversial Arab-American had been chosen to replace the ISNA reps. Clearly, Daniels is not the kind of man to dwell over the past. "No use crying over spilled blood," he said. "I'm pleased that our new representative. Like most pillars of any community has lived in the same place for over 30 years so devoted he has not even ventured outside his gated community. He is a household name.
"Please welcome, via short circuit tv from California, Sirhan Sirhan."
"Yes, he has a controversial past that is likely to be misrepresented by anti-Muslim bigots determined to blow his minor pecaddilo out of proportion, but the plain reallity is that In keeping with our criteria derived from key Scriptures that the government is the moral arbiter of appropriate allies, Sirhan is not under any government investigation and is not suspected of any terrorist-connected activity."
Daniels spoke at a contentious press conference held in the basement of Temple Palestine, headed by Rabbi Barry Freundel.
Still, Sirhan, or Sirhan as he's known to friends, has a controversial past--and the recent effort by one journalist to re-hash it recently sparked its own little controversy.
In a recent series of articles for JewishHomosexualWorldView.com, journalist Evan Gahr whose employment history is considered by both sides as crucial to the gay marriage debate, revealed that Sirhan had been imprisoned since 1969 for killing RFK.
Soiunds like a great scoop, but the Washington Post was not interested.
"RFK is old news," Washington Post national editor Mike Abramowitz explained, as he feverishly re-wrote an ACLU press release under tight deadline. "Why would our readers care about that? They're much more entranced by by our front-page stories on the Parks Services director being fired for saying her staffing was too low. After all, she's a nationally-known, unlike those two obscure figures, Gary Bauer and Paul Weyrich immersed in this boring little dispute about some irrelevant topic that most Americans care know nothing about."
"Don't you understand that name and staffings matters are consistenly a hot button issue for the electorate and right now the centerpoint of the culture wars?"
But why are you ignoring such a straight forward story?
"It's actually a little confusing. Sayeed Sayeed? Sirhan Sirhan? Guess all their ingenuity goes into suicide bombings."
Still, the JHWR story was eventually circulated in the Washington Blade (local DC weekly for those who swing from the other side of the tree) and other Jewish-controlled media outlets such as the Washington Times whose leader when Evan Gahr worked there was known as "Mr. Jew."
Although Gahr, outed by Mona Charen, could not attend the press conference--he was busy, just as Rick Santorum feared, preparing for his upcoming marriage to Mona Charen's dog--another reporter, Won Ju Goldstein, Ju to friends, and cheap Ju to detractors, asked if it was inappropriate to have Sirhan on the AFM advisory board since he had killed Bobby Kennedy.
"Yeah, that's what Gahr has been reporting," responded Daniels, "but Gahr has been dismissed from three reputable institutions for disreputable tactics."
Still, the pushy Ju pressed on.
Didn't former French Navy officer Charles Dreyfuss report the same thing?
"Dreyfuss was dismissed from a reputable organization for disreputable tactics."
What about Leo Frank? "Frank was dismissed from a reputable factory for disreputable reasons."
Boasted Daniels: "You know, Evan Gahr, with his usual atrocious news judgment, keeps asking Christian Right leaders why, if their movement is as lethal as the Jew, uh I mean the journalist Frank Rich contends, why have they entrusted their most important cause since abortion to a shmuck like me?
"That makes no sense. I'm the best public relations whiz since Goebbels--"
Uh, Daniels you said that before perhaps its best to say the most brilliant pr whiz since Howard Rubenstein.
Or do Americans find those who boast of following in the Thrid Reich's footsteps as much as in your infinite wisdom you decided they dig collusion with radical Islam?
But Daniels, Ju persisted, how can you denounce Gahr for disreputable tactics. Aren't you using disreputable, McCarthyite tactics here?
"You're a cheap Jew. Uh, I mean that's a cheap shot, Ju. It's very unfair to say that by badmouthing a journalist in writing we engaged in McCarthyite tactics--unfair to McCarthy. He would have done it over the phone."
"First of all, as we explained during the ISNA controversy our only requirement is that Muslim groups that spew hatred towards Israel and Jews and America not be on the official State Department terrorist or terrorist front group list. That narrows the applicant pool significantly but we've found a few. In any event, Sirhan clearly falls within the parameters of our highly moralistic criteria. Sirhan is not on any State Department list and when he's sprung from the Big House he won't be on the FBI's Most Wanted List.
"Better yet, he should help us show people that not everyone incarcerated favors gay marriage."
"And we want to show that not all Muslims favor gay marriage, contrary to the misconceptions peddled by those notorious pansies, the Fruit of Islam."
"As for Gahr's unfounded allegation. Gahr relied on Emerson to claim that Sirhan killed RFK in cold blood. Yeah, Emerson says Sirhan killed RFK. But it's not so clear cut. Emerson was wrong on Oklahoma City, you know."
Still, Gahr's version of history drew support from an eminent historian, Paul Weyrich, Louis E. Chimpstein professor of history, at Yeshiva University.
Reached via cell phone at the ape house of the National Zoo, which he was visiting to make amends for a virulently anti-Simean remark, Weyrich, barely audible amid the cackles of apes said about the choice of Sirhan Sirhan, "Oy vey, Oy vey."
Lawrence F. Kaplan is a girl.
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